You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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