who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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