oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Floor bacon is actually really good
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
