Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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