If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
