if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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