I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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