Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
