On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
