Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
