Your face is a jimmy john
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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