birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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