what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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