literally had 100 drinks last night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
