I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
