I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
