the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dear god my vagina.
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