My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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