This house was built for laser tag.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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