There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize