it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Randomize
