i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I need a beard to bite.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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