Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
