I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
should my penis look like a turkey
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
