we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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