We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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