She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
