My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
