Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
