Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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