Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
