This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
