Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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