I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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