Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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