i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
