I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
