3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
