I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize