I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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