Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
