I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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