I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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