Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
