dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
