Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This is the high leading the old right now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
