do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
