I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
