Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
