Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
