Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
