hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
