Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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