brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
