My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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