It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
