I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
