I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize