My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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