So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
