I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
