You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize