i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
