tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
